Enter your email Address

ENTROPY
  • About
    • About
    • Masthead
    • Advertising
    • Submission Guidelines
    • Info on Book Reviews
  • Essays
    • All Introspection
      Creative Nonfiction / Essay

      Echoes of Infertility and Stifled Grief

      April 20, 2021

      Creative Nonfiction / Essay

      The Birds: Lost and Found

      April 14, 2021

      Creative Nonfiction / Essay

      The Birds: Elegy for a Tree

      April 12, 2021

      Creative Nonfiction / Essay

      Coursing

      April 9, 2021

      Introspection

      The Birds: Little Bird

      April 1, 2021

      Introspection

      Variations on a Theme: Captain Beefheart and His Magic Band

      March 23, 2021

      Introspection

      Variations on a Theme: Finding My Voice

      March 9, 2021

      Introspection

      Variations on a Theme: Individuation

      February 27, 2021

  • Fiction
    • Fiction

      The Birds: 24 Hour Relief

      April 21, 2021

      Fiction

      BLACKCACKLE: Fragment One

      April 14, 2021

      Fiction

      The Birds: To Fly Among the Birds

      April 9, 2021

      Fiction

      The Birds: Another Red Ribbon – a nonbinary tale of absented love

      April 5, 2021

      Fiction

      Survivor’s Club

      March 24, 2021

  • Reviews
    • All Collaborative Review Video Review
      Review

      A Cure for Loneliness: Review of Monica Fambrough’s Softcover

      April 21, 2021

      Review

      an Orphic escape-hatch from the Hades of Literalization — Review of John Olson’s Dada Budapest

      April 19, 2021

      Review

      Claiming Space in Muriel Leung’s “Imagine Us, The Swarm”

      April 15, 2021

      Review

      Review: Milk Blood Heat by Dantiel W. Moniz

      April 12, 2021

      Collaborative Review

      Attention to the Real: A Conversation

      September 3, 2020

      Collaborative Review

      A Street Car Named Whatever

      February 22, 2016

      Collaborative Review

      Black Gum: A Conversational Review

      August 7, 2015

      Collaborative Review

      Lords of Waterdeep in Conversation

      February 25, 2015

      Video Review

      Entropy’s Super Mario Level

      September 15, 2015

      Video Review

      Flash Portraits of Link: Part 7 – In Weakness, Find Strength

      January 2, 2015

      Video Review

      Basal Ganglia by Matthew Revert

      March 31, 2014

      Video Review

      The Desert Places by Amber Sparks and Robert Kloss, Illustrated by Matt Kish

      March 21, 2014

  • Small Press
    • Small Press

      F*%K IF I KNOW//BOOKS

      April 13, 2021

      Small Press

      Tolsun Books

      March 16, 2021

      Small Press

      Inside the Castle

      March 9, 2021

      Small Press

      OOMPH! Press

      February 24, 2021

      Small Press

      Dynamo Verlag

      February 17, 2021

  • Where to Submit
  • More
    • Poetry
    • Interviews
    • Games
      • All Board Games Video Games
        Creative Nonfiction / Essay

        HOW VIDEO GAMES MADE ME BIOPHILIC

        February 12, 2021

        Creative Nonfiction / Essay

        How Zelda Saved Me: The Inspiration, Feminism, and Empowerment of Hyrule

        November 2, 2020

        Board Games

        Session Report: Victoriana and Optimism

        December 14, 2019

        Games

        Best of 2019: Video Games

        December 13, 2019

        Board Games

        Session Report: Victoriana and Optimism

        December 14, 2019

        Board Games

        Ludic Writing: Lady of the West

        July 27, 2019

        Board Games

        Session Report: Paperback and Anomia

        July 27, 2019

        Board Games

        Ludic Writing: The Real Leeds Part 12 (Once in a Lifetime)

        November 10, 2018

        Video Games

        HOW VIDEO GAMES MADE ME BIOPHILIC

        February 12, 2021

        Video Games

        How Zelda Saved Me: The Inspiration, Feminism, and Empowerment of Hyrule

        November 2, 2020

        Video Games

        Best of 2019: Video Games

        December 13, 2019

        Video Games

        Super Smash Bros. Ultimate is the Spirit of Generosity

        December 31, 2018

    • Food
    • Small Press Releases
    • Film
    • Music
    • Paranormal
    • Travel
    • Art
    • Graphic Novels
    • Comics
    • Current Events
    • Astrology
    • Random
  • RESOURCES
  • The Accomplices
    • THE ACCOMPLICES
    • Enclave
    • Trumpwatch

ENTROPY

  • About
    • About
    • Masthead
    • Advertising
    • Submission Guidelines
    • Info on Book Reviews
  • Essays
    • All Introspection
      Creative Nonfiction / Essay

      Echoes of Infertility and Stifled Grief

      April 20, 2021

      Creative Nonfiction / Essay

      The Birds: Lost and Found

      April 14, 2021

      Creative Nonfiction / Essay

      The Birds: Elegy for a Tree

      April 12, 2021

      Creative Nonfiction / Essay

      Coursing

      April 9, 2021

      Introspection

      The Birds: Little Bird

      April 1, 2021

      Introspection

      Variations on a Theme: Captain Beefheart and His Magic Band

      March 23, 2021

      Introspection

      Variations on a Theme: Finding My Voice

      March 9, 2021

      Introspection

      Variations on a Theme: Individuation

      February 27, 2021

  • Fiction
    • Fiction

      The Birds: 24 Hour Relief

      April 21, 2021

      Fiction

      BLACKCACKLE: Fragment One

      April 14, 2021

      Fiction

      The Birds: To Fly Among the Birds

      April 9, 2021

      Fiction

      The Birds: Another Red Ribbon – a nonbinary tale of absented love

      April 5, 2021

      Fiction

      Survivor’s Club

      March 24, 2021

  • Reviews
    • All Collaborative Review Video Review
      Review

      A Cure for Loneliness: Review of Monica Fambrough’s Softcover

      April 21, 2021

      Review

      an Orphic escape-hatch from the Hades of Literalization — Review of John Olson’s Dada Budapest

      April 19, 2021

      Review

      Claiming Space in Muriel Leung’s “Imagine Us, The Swarm”

      April 15, 2021

      Review

      Review: Milk Blood Heat by Dantiel W. Moniz

      April 12, 2021

      Collaborative Review

      Attention to the Real: A Conversation

      September 3, 2020

      Collaborative Review

      A Street Car Named Whatever

      February 22, 2016

      Collaborative Review

      Black Gum: A Conversational Review

      August 7, 2015

      Collaborative Review

      Lords of Waterdeep in Conversation

      February 25, 2015

      Video Review

      Entropy’s Super Mario Level

      September 15, 2015

      Video Review

      Flash Portraits of Link: Part 7 – In Weakness, Find Strength

      January 2, 2015

      Video Review

      Basal Ganglia by Matthew Revert

      March 31, 2014

      Video Review

      The Desert Places by Amber Sparks and Robert Kloss, Illustrated by Matt Kish

      March 21, 2014

  • Small Press
    • Small Press

      F*%K IF I KNOW//BOOKS

      April 13, 2021

      Small Press

      Tolsun Books

      March 16, 2021

      Small Press

      Inside the Castle

      March 9, 2021

      Small Press

      OOMPH! Press

      February 24, 2021

      Small Press

      Dynamo Verlag

      February 17, 2021

  • Where to Submit
  • More
    • Poetry
    • Interviews
    • Games
      • All Board Games Video Games
        Creative Nonfiction / Essay

        HOW VIDEO GAMES MADE ME BIOPHILIC

        February 12, 2021

        Creative Nonfiction / Essay

        How Zelda Saved Me: The Inspiration, Feminism, and Empowerment of Hyrule

        November 2, 2020

        Board Games

        Session Report: Victoriana and Optimism

        December 14, 2019

        Games

        Best of 2019: Video Games

        December 13, 2019

        Board Games

        Session Report: Victoriana and Optimism

        December 14, 2019

        Board Games

        Ludic Writing: Lady of the West

        July 27, 2019

        Board Games

        Session Report: Paperback and Anomia

        July 27, 2019

        Board Games

        Ludic Writing: The Real Leeds Part 12 (Once in a Lifetime)

        November 10, 2018

        Video Games

        HOW VIDEO GAMES MADE ME BIOPHILIC

        February 12, 2021

        Video Games

        How Zelda Saved Me: The Inspiration, Feminism, and Empowerment of Hyrule

        November 2, 2020

        Video Games

        Best of 2019: Video Games

        December 13, 2019

        Video Games

        Super Smash Bros. Ultimate is the Spirit of Generosity

        December 31, 2018

    • Food
    • Small Press Releases
    • Film
    • Music
    • Paranormal
    • Travel
    • Art
    • Graphic Novels
    • Comics
    • Current Events
    • Astrology
    • Random
  • RESOURCES
  • The Accomplices
    • THE ACCOMPLICES
    • Enclave
    • Trumpwatch
Creative Nonfiction / EssayFeatured

You May Be a Lover, but You Ain’t No Dancer

written by Katie Jean Shinkle October 19, 2016

Featured Image Credit: Manson Girls, Illustration by Daniella Urdinaliaz, via lookcatalog flickr (CC BY 2.0)


 

I am 12 years old and I am fleetingly obsessed with the Manson family. It is 1995 and I am 26 years too late. Moreover, all of my obsessions are too late too that will follow this: The Monkees, The Beatles, The Edmund Fitzgerald (the actual shipwreck, not the song). Soon, I will be cycling to something else. Soon, I will very seriously attempt suicide.

+

I am obsessed with the Manson family because I don’t understand the ramifications of death and abuse yet. It seemed outrageous to me that a man could control women in such a way. I was naïve, clueless. I did not directly witness my dead father abuse my mother but would learn about it later, his jealousy filling lungs and room and house until it popped and floated into the sky; a world I was not privy to yet. Manson reminded me of my father in his ruggedness, his wild. Maybe the wildness is kindness my best friend suggests to me. Aligned, Manson’s eyes and Jesus’ eyes and my father’s eyes all look the same. Maybe its evil, I say to my best friend. She doesn’t disagree.

+

Abuse dressed up as love can work in these ways: you begin to believe what you are told and you do what you are ordered, even if it doesn’t make sense, even if you know it is wrong. Abuse has its own moral code and it says if you don’t work for me, you won’t work for anybody. Abuse is a trickster; it makes promises it will not keep. It sells being your redemption because if I can’t have you no one will. If you step outside the circle, the world will destroy you. And, of course, better to destroy it first (the world, together, the same murder of crows).

+

My mother and I go to church, a Thursday night. I am forced to go because I repeatedly prove that I am incapable of staying home alone with my brother without physically fighting. My mother is the choir director and I sit in the overflow of the sanctuary, church library lining the walls. Normal religious books: concordances, Bibles, prayer books, How-To-Be-a-Good-Christian books, How-to-Not-Go-to-Hell books, How-to-Give-Money-to-the-Church books, How-to-Be-a-Good-White-Missionary books. I steal two: Helter Skelter by Vincent Bugliosi and Curt Gentry, and a hand-made spiritual guide to teenage suicide prevention.

+

Before I stole these books, I hid them in the foyer. During Sunday meet-and-greet with coffee and cookies I would check on them, and every Thursday during choir practice I would hole up in a corner on a loveseat near some stained glass windows and pour over Helter Skelter. I would stare at the cover of the suicide prevention book, but would not open it. The black and white pictures in Helter Skelter were burned into my brain (One of the covers of the book boasts it as “a chilling 64-page photographic record of the victims, the killers, the evidence.”). The days in-between Sunday and Thursday were for imagining myself as part of the Manson family, under mind control of this father-eyed man, writing pig in blood on the walls. In these fantasies, I never fantasied about killing and I was always best friends forever with Patricia Krenwinkel, Susan Atkins, and Linda Kasbian.

+

The night before I attempt suicide, my best friend and I have a sleepover. We stay up late talking about writing Manson letters in prison. We play a game called What Would Charles Manson Do?, based off of the popular WWJD bracelets. We wanted to know What would Charles Manson do? Every answer we had to every question we came up with we would scream something about how he would kill someone and we would erupt with laughter. Sixth graders.

+

It is 2014, I am 31 years old, I am alive, and so is Charles Manson. He remains in prison for a life sentence because California abolished the death penalty in the ‘70’s. Manson has a fiancé named Star who files for a marriage license. She is 26 years old and Manson, at the time, is 80. Star is quoted saying, “I’m completely with him, and he’s completely with me. It’s what I was born for, you know.” As of 2015, the marriage license had expired and they were still not married.

 

You May Be a Lover, but You Ain’t No Dancer was last modified: October 19th, 2016 by Katie Jean Shinkle
0 comment
2
Facebook Twitter Google + Pinterest
Avatar
Katie Jean Shinkle

Katie Jean Shinkle is the author of The Arson People (Civil Coping Mechanisms, 2015) and Our Prayers After the Fire (Blue Square Press, 2014). Other work can be found in Ninth Letter, Washington Square, The Feminist Wire, Flaunt Magazine, and elsewhere. She serves as co-fiction editor of DIAGRAM and creative nonfiction editor of Banango Street.

previous post
The Birds: 2 poems
next post
The Orchard Green and Other Colors by Zach Savich

You may also like

Best of 2019: Poetry Books & Poetry Collections

December 2, 2019

The Birds: A Special Providence in the Fall of a Sparrow

January 2, 2020

WOVEN: A Self that Doesn’t Stay on Brand

September 18, 2019

Speaker for Bones

June 21, 2019
Facebook Twitter Instagram

Recent Comments

  • parri Loved the article. Beautifully captured..stay strong. Something must await for you at the end of this path..

    How Bodybuilding Ruined My Life ·  April 2, 2021

  • Waterlily Heartbreaking, real, and often so vivid. Parents, family, the pain and the damage we carry for them and from them. There is a black void where bits and pieces of our soul take leave to as we watch our...

    Descansos ·  April 2, 2021

  • Neo G I hsve to check this out! Is that doom on the cover!!

    Dskillz Harris & Chile_madd – The Next Episode ·  March 28, 2021

Featured Columns & Series

  • The Birds
  • Dinnerview
  • WOVEN
  • Variations on a Theme
  • BLACKCACKLE
  • COVID-19
  • Literacy Narrative
  • Mini-Syllabus
  • Their Days Are Numbered
  • On Weather
  • Disarticulations
  • The Waters
  • Session Report series
  • Birdwolf
  • Comics I've Been Geeking Out On
  • Small Press Releases
  • Books I Hate (and Also Some I Like)
  • The Poetics of Spaces
  • Tales From the End of the Bus Line
  • Fog or a Cloud
  • 30 Years of Ghibli
  • Cooking Origin Stories
  • Food and Covid-19
  • YOU MAKE ME FEEL
  • Ludic Writing
  • Best of 2019
  • The Talking Cure
  • Stars to Stories
  • DRAGONS ARE REAL OR THEY ARE DEAD
  • Foster Care
  • LEAKY CULTURE
  • Jem and the Holographic Feminisms
  • D&D with Entropy

Find Us On Facebook

Entropy
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram

©2014-2021 The Accomplices LLC. All Rights Reserved.

Read our updated Privacy Policy.


Back To Top