after Julissa Emile, Anita Dias, Golden, Brandon Melendez, & Valin Paige
when under emotional distress, as with a cage
that does not provide breath for its wings,
a domesticated bird will pluck its own feathers
as a response to anxiety &/or stress. tufts of flight
caught in its beak, keratin grabbing at keratin.
trichotillomania is a body-focused repetitive
behavior disorder in which one has the irresistible
urge to pull out their own hair.
there is a surge of dopamine after each tearing.
sometimes, a person with trichotillomania
enters a trance & doesn’t realize they’re pulling.
anxiety ruffles into my skin & my hands migrate
my scalp, my brow bone. i do not know how i got here
& yet here i am. i burst into a murder of follicles.
//
the etymology of plumage is more than just the follicles:
buds cradled into the squamous cell layer of skin, sprouting promises
of a gardening fractal. the average onset of trichotillomania
is between 9 & 13 years old, the disorder peaks around the age of twelve.
in third grade, a friend made a wish on a fallen eyelash & i uprooted
mine like dandelion stems & rubbed them against my cheek
just to feel how soft they were. robins & magpies can pull
worms & beetles out of the soil just by hearing them.
free nerve endings, or free pain receptors, are located at the base
of the hair follicles & close to the surface of the skin.
trichotillomania is a disorder that migrates for the winter,
& it can be months or even years until the symptoms begin to resurface.
somewhere in the world it is spring. life itches itself into new clusters
of grass, the maxillary rostrum of a crow snaps down on a writhing body.
//
my therapist asks me where my anxiety exists in my body
& i show her my hands. there is no eloquent way
to describe a cranium gaggled in flame,
a creature that lights itself on fire.
the phoenix, known for its purple coloring
resurfaces from the remains of its predecessors.
restoration or regeneration of melanocytes often occurs at the beginning of a hair-growth cycle.
the white hair must grow & fall out naturally before the next hair can grow back with pigment.
if a follicle goes into shock,
it takes longer for the growth to occur again.
i could build a nest from all the bald patches,
of the picked scabs that bled until they didn’t,
i re-dyed my hair the color of violet conch shells
& still my progress turned to ash. if i was to be reborn, i would outlive my shame.
//
if under emotional distress, as with a cage
that does not provide breath for its wings,
a domesticated bird will pluck its own feathers
as a response to anxiety &/or stress. tufts of flight
caught in its beak, keratin grabbing at keratin.
trichotillomania is a body-focused repetitive
behavior disorder in which one has the irresistible
urge to pull out their own hair.
there is a surge of dopamine after every tearing.
sometimes, a person with trichotillomania
enters a trance & doesn’t realize they’re pulling.
anxiety ruffles into my skin & my hands migrate
a scalp, a brow bone . i do not know how i got here
& yet i am here still i burst into a murder of follicles.
the etymology of plumage is more than just the follicles:
buds cradled into the thickest layer of skin, sprouting promises
of a gardening fractal. the average onset of trichotillomania is between 9 & 13 years old, the disorder peaks around the age of twelve.
in third grade, a friend made a wish on a fallen eyelash & i uprooted
mine like dandelion stems & rubbed them against my cheek
just to feel how soft they were. robins & magpies can pull
worms & beetles out of the soil just by hearing them.
free nerve endings, or free pain receptors, are located at the base
of the hair follicles & close to the surface of the skin.
trichotillomania is a disorder that migrates for the winter,
& it can be months or even years until the symptoms begin to resurface.
somewhere in the world it is spring. life itches itself into new clusters of grass,
the maxillary rostrum of a crow snaps down on a writhing body.
my therapist asks me where my anxiety exists in my body
& i show her my hands. there isn’t an eloquent way
to describe a cranium gaggled in flame,
a creature that lights itself on fire.
the phoenix was known for its purple coloring
in mythology, it resurfaces from the remains of its predecessors.
restoration or regeneration of melanocytes often occurs at the beginning of a hair-growth cycle.
the white hair must grow & fall out naturally before the next hair can grow back with pigment.
if a follicle goes into shock,
it takes longer for the growth to occur again.
i could build a a nest
from all the bald patches of the picked scabs that bled until they didn’t,
i re-dyed my hair the color of violet conch shells
still my progress turned to ash. if i was to be reborn,
Adrienne Novy (she/her/hers) is a Bettering American Poetry nominee and Pushcart Prize nominee currently living in Saint Paul, MN. She is the author of trisomy 22 and Crowd Surfing With God (Half Mystic Press, 2018). Her work can be found in FreezeRay Poetry, Crab Fat Magazine, Button Poetry, NAILED Magazine, Rising Phoenix Press, Maudlin House, Flypaper Magazine, among others. She loves My Chemical Romance and she loves being alive.
featured photo: Andrew Wyeth – Crows (study for Woodshed), 1944 (artwork that partially influenced this specific erasure poem)
