When Hollywood stops calling, Kiefer Sutherland visits the gulls. He feeds them small packets of Nacho Cheese Doritos. The seagulls love Kiefer. They’ve seen all his movies, he says. Seagulls love Lost Boys. They’ve even heard his country album that tanked. The one Rolling Stone said sounded like bird shit. Kiefer says this offended the seagulls. Kiefer feeds the seagulls in the morning and in the evening. Malibu, Venice, Santa Monica, and if he gets up early enough, he visits the seagulls in Laguna Beach. Kiefer has his favorites. Everyone has their favorites, Kiefer says. Kiefer likes the Kelp Gulls and Brown Noddys the most. Kiefer gets mad when he overhears people at the beach mistake Terns for Gulls. Kiefer has built his daily routine around feeding the seagulls. His agent has told him that he’s losing work by spending so much time with the seagulls. When Kiefer recites his lines from Lost Boys many of the gulls keow keow keow and mew mew mew. Kiefer’s agent says the birds only do those things because they know Kiefer has Doritos. Kiefer knows this isn’t true. Seagulls love Kiefer. Last week Kiefer ran out of Doritos but visited the gulls anyway. When Kiefer arrived, there was no chorus of keow keow keow. Not even a mew mew mew. The Brown Noddys flew so high that Kiefer couldn’t see them anymore. Kelp Gulls ran down the beach, wings unfurled, and headed into the sea. Some rested on rocks and chattered quietly. Others didn’t acknowledge Kiefer at all. Kiefer began to recite lines from 24, Lost Boys, and Stand By Me. The gulls laughed at him, even the Brown Noddys – who were never prone to laughter – whooped in unison. Kiefer used his gull whistle. He danced. He recited lines from Hamlet on top of a large sand bluff. Kiefer has never been in Hamlet. He sang songs from his country album. The more Kiefer sang and danced, the further the gulls seemed to fly. Kiefer did these things until he couldn’t anymore so he found a spot in the sand and wept. The gulls flew to another beach, leaving Kiefer to feel what it must feel like to not matter anymore on a beach with so many grains of sand.
