Ronald Reagan Was an Idiot (and other observations about my birth year) I was born late. I could give any number of reasons I wanted to stay put. Every birth…
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THE NIGHTLIGHT ANNUNCIATION Last night I dreamed that my front lawn was littered with the bodies of elementary school principals. My instincts tell me this speaks to either the death…
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Small things I admit to after 44 years of finding dirty dishes in the dish drain I’ve decided to stop complaining and put them away dirty when it’s time…
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THE INVISIBLE BRIDGE I am the invisible bridge the bear tiptoes across (Oh, you thought, maybe, he was jumping into the stream?) Wrong! I am the invisible bridge the bear…
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New Patient Intake Form Instructions: Please answer the questions, then return this form to the woman at the desk. Name: My Japanese great-grandmother immigrated to California. She shed her birth…
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While waiting for my therapist, I flip through the DSM-V and learn that I do not meet the criteria for the following diagnoses: Boanthropy: a condition in which the subject…
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As an older millennial, I find it impossible to date anyone who isn’t named Thad. It’s become so dire that I assign them nicknames: Trucker Hat Thad, Clown Thad, and,…
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EVEN PLUTO’S ORBIT SOMETIMES CROSSES WITHIN Giselle’s funeral was awkward enough, but things got even tougher after the neighbor kid claimed that the two of them had switched. “Our luggage…
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VIAGRA Three weeks after her ex-husband’s suicide attempt and somehow Helen was still taking care of him. He’d installed himself in the attic bedroom like some sort of manically depressed…
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WHY I STOPPED WORKING OUT The snow is uncritically beautiful. It paints the slow steeples of alley way garages and abandoned minivans with cheerful postcard radiance. The cat gives me…
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The interview, which had already been going unfavorably, took a turn for the irreparable when the glob of phlegm that had been lodged in Dave’s throat all morning fired abruptly…
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THE NEXT WAVE They might think that our gym obsession is about exercise, a healthy lifestyle, a swimsuit body, but we know better. We say nothing as we steadily climb…
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It was to be the show’s last season. There had been too many lawsuits by kin of the deceased. Still, ratings were astronomical. And Kris Calhoun was determined to make…
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Sniffle teary those few months after Spencer died. Poor sterile sod burned through life oh man as if stung by a thousand bees. Dirty miser thought himself. Special. And Spencer…
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