Cover Image: Lily-Rose Depp: We Are Trolls
Part I: The Sexpot Nanny Goes For Broke
We are all trolls today in one form or another, right? We all get obsessed with a person, or an idea, or a thing, and we pursue it like maniacs, because we can. Isn’t this why we love the Internet?
Take Lily-Rose Depp’s Instagram, for example. Like what’s not to love, and then really, reallyyyy love? Her fetish hedonism, her long fingers. Her babies fixation. Her forehead. Her anthropomorphosized sushi and candies and dogs. Her eyes, those Chanel sunglasses she wears, the fact that Jack Sparrow is her father. The peculiar art imitates life imitates art dress-ups and make-believe she gets up to with her adorable baby-friends whose parties get weird and involve designer teddy bears and group cuddles. I love her.
I sometimes eavesdrop on other people’s thoughts about her, and about other pop topics, when I’m being a cybergroup chat troll, which also happens, right? Like when we get home late, or we stay up late, and find ourselves hunting through everything from gossip feeds to intellectual art debates to fad special interest groups to amazon reviews, sometimes signing in, sometimes with a pseudonym, to debate with strangers about their obsessions, and ours?
By day, we may visit the bizarre collection of cybergroups we belong to as real members. We may ask each other questions on these forums, or send strange photos, or go on group spiritual missions, make confessions, make spanky, or bitch.
But don’t we love it the most when people we actually know and adore write random group emails with burning questions—like the other day, when A, B and C started a conversation in my inbox about Christine Ouzounian, the nanny who’s been sleeping with her (former) employer Ben Affleck, racing around LA in a new Lexus convertible, selling her story shamelessly to the highest bidding tabloids and not even denting a stiletto while charging a mountain of cocktails, etc., at the Hotel Bel-Air to Affleck’s weary tab?
A Hollywood IRL drama with a so-called rabid nanny at the center to analyze with friends: trolling heaven.
C: Thoughts on the hot nanny affair??
B: Well, my first thought is that Ethan Hawke already did this like a decade ago and it wasn’t as big a deal. Maybe because Uma’s more sultry than Jen and everybody knew she’d just replace Ethan with another man? So does the public outrage differ according to how goodie the wife is? Look how everyone hated Angelina for ages and sided with Jen Aniston – who, a lot like Jen Garner, is kind of homely and all-American, upholding those traditional values (like a martyr, ewww).
So my second thought is that the only reason this is a scandal that beats EVEN transsexuality and niche fetishes is because it’s shooting a bullet into the moral fiber of the ruling class (white hetero middle and upper class churchgoers).
My third thought is why the hell are these people hiring such sexy nannies???
And my fourth thought is that I sincerely hope that this nanny is not going to live a life of ignominy as suggested in the article [The Celebration of Ben Affleck’s Nanny by Maureen O’Connor on The Cut] and by former examples like Monica Lewinsky. These are much lower ranked sexpots who sure, are having some sex with some well-known, very married men but they’re also being exploited by these much older, much more powerful playmates who then dump them in the gutter. I WANT THAT NANNY TO WIN!
C: I agree it’s totally about the goodie-goodie wife factor! And yeah, where the HELL do all these sexy nannies go to nanny school?
I forgot about Ethan Hawke AND remember Jude Law did it too? A. and I drooled a bit over Ethan Hawke this weekend. Yummers. Funny how Angelina still stayed kind of bad ass but attained more goodiegoodiegoodie glory than even Jen Aniston in the end.
Ben and Jen [Garner] also have that thing I think people pine for: history where we know they dated a bunch of different people, win some, lose some, but then seemingly find the “right one” and fall in mad love, work hard on that thing and …. nothing could ever come between them, right? People put a lot of abstract hope into famous couples with clean, white teeth.
It’s hard not to hope that *someone’s *relationship, especially one that begins this cutely (she’s pretty endearing here, no? he seems like a douche) will endure.
The Hand That Rocks The Cradle moment: some other woman near your kids, near your man and one day: BOOM! She hot-blond-Rebecca DeMornay’s the hell out of everyone. Looks like this nanny’s figured out how to capitalize on fame.
Poor Monica Lewinsky. God. So brutal. Did you read all the new Camille Paglia rants on Salon? I LOVE HER.
B: It’s true, Ben and Jen have been chosen as the Hollywood feel-good couple – so yeah, it’s a lot harder to take that their marriage has gone bombs away than if they were glue sniffers in the Riri crowd. Jen has also been cast repeatedly as a ‘nice mom’ in recent movies so the idea that catwoman in the form of a nanny can usurp all that is terrifying to status quo safety consciousness – but really? My guess is that IRL she’s been putting up a brave face all these years in wonderland given Ben’s gift for straying and it’s not the nanny’s fault. It’s bad that we blame and demonize The Other Woman when this is clearly a case, again, of The Man taking advantage of his power&privilege to have his way with a woman half his age and rank. He, like Clinton did to Monica (under oath! on prime time tv!) is publicly disavowing her, which is sicko, and yes, could, and maybe will, ruin her life.
I HAVE been reading Camille’s rants. She describes so well how Monica was destroyed and I agree that this casts a shadow over Hillary’s campaign. Aside: do you think Donald Trump could win? I’m almost beginning to think he could! On topic, his current wife is also a fraction of his age but slightly older than Heidi Klum whom Trump just called “Sadly, no longer a 10” (what?) Oh oh.
(Has anybody seen Sharon Stone nude at 57 in Harper’s Bazaar? I have inside word that those pictures have only been very slightly retouched. She looks gorgeousss, a hell of a lot better than Donald, who’s only a few years older)
I agree that Ben’s nanny is going for broke with fame and fortune while she can. And why not? She’s earned it and will pay for it and aren’t we all opportunist survivalists in the capitalist jungle anyway? I don’t blame her for this either. I’m also glad she’s not crying in her mother’s basement and is instead running up a tab at the Bel-Air.
Don’t you think of Hollywood as our contemporary mythology? I don’t see how today’s gods are any more sophisticated than Zeus the shape-shifting maiden raper, Hera the jealous revenge matron and Venus the vindictive beauty pageant instigator – which is the point, right? I think we love the gods because they’re bad and they represent our basest instincts. Angelina is at least mixing it up – stealing Brad and then cutting her tits off for cancer, now everybody loves her haahhaaaaaa!
“Angelina is at least mixing it up – stealing Brad and then cutting her tits off for cancer, now everybody loves her haahhaaaaaa!”
A: You two astonish me. How do you pull this off, let alone be so privy to the inner workings of the Hollywoodian labyrinth? Over here in Neverland, and without having a true oracle-pulse on the details of these characters, all I can say is: no one ever, ever knows what really goes on between two, let alone, three, people although I’m clear that what you’re talking about is not the particulars but rather the mythic implications for our time. My gut doesn’t trust the nanny within an inch of her life, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t advocate for her symbolic win in the name of Bel-Air escapism New Femme values. But the win would be just that.
All’s fair in love and war.
Stay tuned for regular contributions of life imitating art by our Pop Talks columnist Caia Hagel.