The only thing more classic than the oldest communicable disease is pairing it with the perfect silhouette. The world of rabies couture used to be dominated by the likes of Cujo and BatBoy. At long last, the virus is attacking the central nervous system of the fashion world, and the results are stunning.
Yves St. Laurent was one of the forerunners to this trend when he dressed his models to prove that women could be just as agitated and febrile as their male bat counterparts. His power suit, complete with fang holes in one sleeve, made headlines as early as the 1960’s. Since then, the disease has clearly inspired designers around the world, though naturally they aren’t quick to tip their hats.
Everyone wants rabies, and we can tell you where to get it. While designer boutiques that double as infection sites are popping up everywhere, we prefer authentic rabies. Start by hobnobbing with wild animals, of course. While both furious rabies and paralytic rabies have their advantages, decide in advance which one you prefer. An old adage used to claim “furious in fall” was the only way to go, but these days, anything goes! Tip: if you prefer paralytic rabies, you may wish to begin your quest in a batcave.
Should you wish to catch your rabies mano-a-mano, it’s all a matter of networking. Remember the subculture of fashionable foamers began underground, so it’s a safe bet to start there. You will want to look for those with thrashing, jerky movements. Here’s a timesaver: looking for rabid-seeming dancers at a rave is a waste of time. Do go out at night, when the pain is too bad for the rabid to sleep. Once you find someone who hits the TSD Trifecta (tears, sweat, and drool), it’s time to find out if they are “a friend of Lyssa.” That password, which refers to the virus’ full name, Neurotropic Lyssavirus, shows you’re serious about finding a hydrophobic insider with style.
Caught rabies already? Congratulations! You picked a great time to get it, and with just a few fashion tips you’ll find that your inflamed brain is as quintessential as your lipstick. As your virus continues to attack your central nervous system, you’ll need a wardrobe update. You’ll know it’s time because burning at the bite wound will have stopped and partial paralysis may have begun. You’ll be experiencing some delirium, so you’ll want to compensate by wearing an elegant, tailored dress. Alexander Wang has created some avant garde garments for the afflicted which balance straitjacketlike structure with erratic flourishes. His jet black “Hypersalivation” gown harmonizes restraint and fanfare. Also, we hear Anna Sui has a new “Agitation” line in the works right now! While windswept hair is popular for tetanus season, rabies calls for a tidy chignon. A pair of slim-framed tortoiseshell glasses completes the look, making you look put-together as it keeps the men and the paparazzi guessing: is she or isn’t she—rabid?
If your infection came from a bite on your foot, let that baby shine! Bite marks, the ultimate emblem of your condition, are what set you apart from the unfroth. Christian Dior said, “the real proof of an elegant woman is what is on her feet.” Choose your shoes according to whether your bite is a ring-shaped canine one or the scarlet markings of a set of fangs. Metallic colors like silver or light gold do well for either to highlight the bloody color without overpowering it.
Just because paralysis and coma are close at hand doesn’t mean you can skip the makeup. You won’t be going near water, so don’t worry about your mascara wearing off by the pool. However, your new symptoms present new challenges. Since your pupils will be dilating asymmetrically, you’ll want to play that up to keep the mystery in your eyes. Look for a shadow with a hint of shimmer. Choose any lipstick that goes with foam. But make sure you choose one that’s hypersalivation-proof; you wouldn’t want anything embarrassing to happen during a long night on the town!
If you want to get in on the hydrophobic fun, check in with one of more of the following:
- rabid cat
- rabid cow
- rabid dog
- rabid ferret
- rabid goat
- rabid horse (all black ones are nice)
- rabid rabbit
- rabid bat
- rabid beaver
- rabid coyote
- rabid fox
- rabid monkey
- rabid raccoon
- rabid skunk