Escape Hatch

Installation:

First off, congratulations on the purchase of your new escape hatch! We know it will bring you years of faithful use. Installation is a breeze. Follow these four steps:

1. Use provided template to trace out corresponding mounting holes.
2. Drill corresponding mounting holes.
3. Bolt up hatch with provided hardware.
4. Seal yourself virtually wherever you want, for whatever reason you need; count on your escape hatch to be there for EZ breezy use when escape is desired.

Maintenance:

No maintenance required. Simply enjoy your new escape hatch, worry free/hassle free.

Emergency Repair:

In the remote chance that your hatch is suddenly and inexplicably inoperable, consult this handy dandy trouble shooting punch list:

a) Does the ‘ESCAPE’ button not function?

• Check to see that your power source is functioning. Is the chord plugged in? Has the hardwired electric chord been eaten my rodents or other underground dwelling nuisances? If you answered yes to any of the above: reconnect power source/plug the chord back in/re-splice wires.

b) Are the hydraulic pistons failing to lift the 2 ton door, and thus leaving you trapped in your ‘future grave’?

• Use screwdriver to remove plugs in pistons. Fill pistons with additional oil. Hope you brought oil. Hope you brought screwdriver.
• If you forgot screwdriver or oil, use oxy/acetylene torches to cut an escape hatch in the escape hatch. Be careful, torch operation will deplete your breathing air. Hopefully you’re not escaping because you are running out of air to begin with.

c) I think something is pinning down the escape hatch. Power source and hydraulic pistons seem to be functioning. What do I do? HELP!!!!!!

• Begin tunneling out
• Oh crap, you forgot to bring mining equipment? No pick axe? No shovel? No helmet with light source attached to it?
• Okay, new plan—become very religious.
• Pray that whatever is pinning your escape hatch door closed, will just, I don’t know, move on its own.

d) Food is gone? Water is Gone? The Dinosaur or whatever it is, is still sleeping on top of the escape hatch door? Praying didn’t work? You’re just about to leave this mortal coil and cross over the veritable River Styx?

• Last ditch effort: The mounting bolts can be loosened on the escape hatch door.
• This is not advised, as, the hatch weighs approx. 2 tons by itself and now there is a dinosaur sleeping on it too, or an avalanche or a rock slide or whatever that is. You’ll be crushed, mostly, or totally. Damn.
• If you proceed with unbolting the hatch, you are waving any and all obligation that we have, and thus, again, this should be noted here:

I. LIMITED WARRANTY/LIABILITY SELLER MAKES NO OTHER WARRANTY OR REPRESENTATION, EXPRESSED OR IMPLIED, CONCERNING THE PRODUCT OR ITS SAFETY/FUNCTIONALITY. Seller not liable for punitive damages of any sort under this Agreement, whether or not caused by its negligence, and assumes no risk whatsoever as to the result of the use of Product in any manner. Buyer assumes ALL responsibility. IN THE EVENT THAT THIS DISCLAIMER OF LIABILITY IS HELD BY A COURT, any and all settlements will not exceed the product’s invoice price (keeping in mind recent sales events in the window of 90 days).

II. CLAIMS. No returns. Item sold as is. If item found to be defective, do not contact the store where purchased. Contact our factory direct, within 30 days, and by mail, using certified correspondence, stamped by a licensed notary public. Include original product receipt and a photo copy of your driver’s license for verification. If date on receipt is past 30 days, your letter/plea, etc. will not be humored.

III. WAIVER. Customer accepts this waiver by purchasing and/or using this product. Any violation of terms and conditions of this Agreement are totally lame.

e) Good Luck.