1. Your orthodontist, Dr Kvello—
This kind man has meticulously attended to the straightness of your teeth since you were 13 years old. His breath may be strange for somebody who works with the whole mouth area, his voice may be odd–a sort of hybrid Swedish-American accent that makes him sound like he has a brain injury–but he’s always been there for your crooked smile, and that’s more than Ol’ Drinky has ever done.
2. Your old singing teacher, Ed—
Like with Dr Kvello, it’s been a few years since you’ve spoken to one another, but Mr Thomson saw the potential in you from Day One. He nurtured what he called your “fragile talent” with all those secret after-school sessions. He saw your vulnerability and he wasn’t put off by it, no he wasn’t, because he is a real man. He didn’t turn you away when you showed up at his family home that night after your prom disaster: he simply ushered you quietly into the garage so as not to wake up his wife and kids, ensuring you were happy and not about to do anything dumb like go blabbing to various people. He probably owes you one, now that you think about it…
3. The lawyer who defended you in that work-harassment case—
This guy—this guy was always on your side. He stuck up for you from the moment you met. He never believed the lies CEO Ted Keller told Human Resources about the stalking. He was available Monday to Friday when you needed to call him for a cry, and he played golf at the club every Saturday–tee-time 9:40 AM–so you knew you could see him through the bushes whenever you needed that extra reassurance that he was there for you.
4. Your therapist—
There is nobody more supportive than Dr Marshall. He has heard all of your concerns and will be respectful of them as he walks you down the aisle arm-in-arm, no doubt wishing it was him up there in your fiancé’s place. He knows the real you and he’s in love with you, yes he is. He sees many clients, but you are his special one. It will be a bittersweet moment for him, but he is wise and can handle it. Plus he has first-hand experience of marriage, his awful, petty wife and children the only things preventing you both from being together. Through his tears, he will get some genuine comfort knowing you are happy.
5. That older fireman who put you on his shoulder and carried you out of your apartment after the candles/bath/Vicodin incident—
You laid yourself bare to this man and he accepted you without judgment. You’ve got no secrets from this guy. He wrapped you in his big blanket of love and fire retardancy like a gift for your future groom! Surely he would jump at the chance to present that gift–and you know his number by heart (9-1-1).
6. Your mom’s cult leader—
Memphis Budweiser is a visionary, and it would delight your mother if you chose him to give you away. He will support you in your emotional frailty on the big day. Who better to guide you than somebody who himself has married 26 times, as well as known you intimately on many occasions?
7. The friendly hobo that lives near the giant trash bins behind the food court at Sunnydale Mall—
You two have struck up a real friendship of late. He really listens to you for the whole of your lunch break each day, patiently watching you while you eat. Like a gentleman, he always offers to dispose of your leftovers for you. Maybe even…you could get him cleaned up, and he would be so grateful…
Simon Pinkerton is basically James Bond without the misogyny, killing and spying, i.e. he owns a couple of suits and his car is full of gadgets, for example a CD player and a thing that moves his seat back. He writes fiction and humor at places like Word Riot, Razed, Queen Mob’s Tea House and Vanilla Sex Magazine. Please find and friend him @simonpinkerton before Twitter is completely over.
