While waiting for my therapist, I flip through the DSM-V and learn that I do not meet the criteria for the following diagnoses:
Boanthropy: a condition in which the subject believes they are a cow or an ox.
Erotomania: a condition in which the subject experiences a persistent overwhelming delusion that a celebrity is in love with them.
Boanthropic Erotomania: a condition in which the subject believes they are a cow or an ox that a celebrity is in love with.
Inverted Erotomanic Boanthropic Portmania: a condition in which the subject believes they are a cow or ox that is in love with Natalie Portman.
Autophagia: a compulsive disorder in which the subject wants to eat themselves.
Boanthropic Autophagia: a compulsive disorder in which the subject wants to eat themselves because the subject believes they are a piece of steak.
Boanthropic Erotomanic Autophagia: a compulsive disorder in which the subject believes they are a piece of steak a celebrity is eager to consume.
Image Credit: René Magritte “The Beautiful Relations” (1967)