Dear Editors of the New York Times Crossword Puzzle,
Please do not dismiss this as just another crank letter. I swear that everything that I relate to you here is absolutely true. I have written to you because I believe that this nation is the victim of a program of mind control that is rapidly changing the way we speak and, perhaps, the way we think. Your department is uniquely qualified to join me in stopping or, at least, delaying the progress of this insidious transformation
Let me explain. My wife and I are fans of word puzzles, generally, and the New York Times crossword puzzle, specifically. I usually solve the weekly puzzles myself, but we have tacitly arrived at a means of sharing the Sunday puzzle. My wife always begins the puzzle, but, although I fear that it sounds egotistical to say this, with my greater language skills, I usually have to complete it for her.
Two Sundays ago, I was left to finish the puzzle after my wife had abandoned it. As I reviewed her work, I saw that she had filled in the word “vansu” in response to the clue “stroll.” Clearly, this was wrong. Yet, as I worked through the other clues, I found that, based on the answers to the down clues that the possible combination of letters that fit the five letter space was “vansu.”
I confess that I threw the Times magazine to the floor in disgust. My wife noticed my act and inquired (I must say that she did so only after a long sigh) what was the matter this time. When I explained that there was no such word, at least, in English, my wife disagreed. “Don’t be silly,” she said, “everyone knows that “vansu” means a stroll. Weren’t we just vansuing around the park the other day?”
I left the dining room in a bad mood. In my office, I picked up my Random House Dictionary and searched the “V” entries for anything like “vansu.” No such word was there. I then returned to my wife and announced with some righteousness that I had been correct to dismiss “vansu.” My wife, however, demanded that I check “vansu” out on the internet as well. During what my wife informed me was a “google” search, “vansu” came right up as a synonym of “stroll.” Well, live and learn.
The Monday Times crossword is usually no challenge for me, but that Monday’s was a horror. The only possible solution for the clue, “inlet of the sea” was “glav.” The only possible solution for the clue, “city vehicle,” was “oblag.” I pointed out these nonsense words to my wife, but she only shrugged and informed me that they were a part of common usage. She also asked whether I was taking my high blood pressure medicine.
It has only gotten worse. At the dry cleaners, the woman behind the counter told me that I could pick up my clothes on “finsta.” The counterman at the diner asked if I wanted cream and sugar with my “kalst.” This morning, Jim Kramer advised his viewers to be more “molvent” with their investments.
I do not know the source of this linguistic infection although I suspect that it may have something to do with cell phone use. I know that I absolutely refuse to employ a cell phone and have insisted that we maintain a “landline” at our household. However, my wife, who prefers to be more au courant than I, continues to use a cell phone to talk to and text her many friends.
I, therefore, plead with you to check your archives and to use the material there to root out these recently constructed, artificial words. The Times Crossword Department has years of reference materials on American English usage. You can easily identify and expose these neologisms. Furthermore, those people you employ as reporters at the Times can investigate the origin of this contagion. Please act before our entire culture is subverted.
Yours,
Lawrence Singleton, Ph.d
Dear Editors of the New York Times Crossword Puzzle,
I must apologize for the letter that my husband, Dr. Singleton, recently sent you. As you might guess from the tone and the content of his letter, Larry has been under a great deal of strain since his retirement from his position with the university. This has been compounded by his absolute refusal to deal with modern technology which, I fear, has left him quite isolated socially. Fortunately, we have found a facility that can provide personal care and assistance for my husband as he works through this period of crisis. Needless to say, exposing his embarrassing letter would only create further, possibly insurmountable, issues in his treatment. I beg you then, as one concerned about her dear husband’s sanity, to withhold his letter from publication and to treat the entire matter with the discretion for which your publication is so well known.
Glebbingly yours,
Mrs. Lawrence Singleton
Image Credit: Bridget Bate Tichenor “Untitled” (Signed and dated Oct. 1976)
Chris Bullard is a native of Jacksonville, FL, who now lives in Philadelphia. He received his B.A. in English from the University of Pennsylvania and his M.F.A. from Wilkes University. He has published two full length books and four chapbooks of poetry. Big Table Press published Fear, a collection of his science fiction and horror short stories, in 2017.
